


Wanting the Impossible

by Trickster_Angel



Series: Of Rose and Fate, Of Lirena and Brydann [10]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Dark Ritual, Gen, Rose refuses to forgive herself, Self-Pity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27092647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster_Angel/pseuds/Trickster_Angel
Summary: Rose is alone in the Deep Roads. She contemplates the decisions she's made.
Relationships: Alistair/Female Warden (Dragon Age), Morrigan & Female Warden (Dragon Age)
Series: Of Rose and Fate, Of Lirena and Brydann [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621267
Kudos: 1





	Wanting the Impossible

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place around the same time as Songbird and The Pawn so here's what my last character is doing at that time.

The genlock's head bounced down the corridor as the body crumpled. It was the last one in the area. It hadn't been strictly necessary to kill them all, a camp of twenty hurlocks and genlocks, including an emissary, but Rose did it anyway. Her blades were precise, killing the monsters in only a few blows each. Even the emissary wasn't hard to kill. Not for a veteran Grey Warden like herself. 

Eleven years she'd been a Grey Warden. Eleven years she'd carried the taint in her blood. At twenty-nine, Rose wondered when it would claim her. Duncan had around thirty years as a warden before he died. But he didn't have a lot of time left. Alistair said he'd been hearing the Calling, even before he died. 

Rose cleaned the darkspawn blood off her weapons before taking a seat. She'd killed the darkspawn for their camp after all. She may as well make use of it.

The fire glowed bright in the dark passages of the deep roads. On the surface, Rose would be concerned that someone might find this camp and attack her for it as she had the darkspawn. But this far underground, no one else was around. Rose would know about the darkspawn long before they could ambush her. For the moment, she was safe.

Once her weapons were cleared, Rose took out the letter she had received. It seemed that no matter where she hid, Leliana would find her. She was far too clever.

Rose rarely made her way to the surface, usually only when her supplies dwindled, but the messenger had found her in the market and passed her the letter before disappearing back into the crowd. If Rose was a normal woman, that would have been terrifying. But she had friends who were resourceful and clever. They could find her if they wanted to; of that she had no doubts. 

She read through the letter. It was from Leliana on behalf of the Inquisition. Rose had heard of them, briefly. The darkspawn didn't gossip but the people on the surface were interested. Even this far away from Fereldan, the world sang the praises of the Herald of Andraste.

"This all seems familiar, you know," Rose said, addressing the nearest darkspawn corpse. It wasn't like she had company and the corpse would keep her secrets. It may look like she was crazy but there was no one to judge her. "The ancient darkspawn. I met one, once. Leliana wants to know what I know about it. How I killed him. It's not like it was hard. Stab anything enough times and it dies." 

She looked at the bodies strewn around the camp. Case in point.

"But besides that, the whole, 'chosen one has to save the world' thing. The Inquisitor is living it. I lived it. Alistair refused to lead our group, despite being the senior Grey Warden of the two of us, so I did it. 

"It wasn't fair to ask either of us though. He was twenty, I was eighteen. And all of a sudden, we had to unite Fereldan during a civil war and fight the darkspawn. And I did it. I don't know how but I did it. I made Alistair king. I made myself his queen and Fereldan united behind us like something out of a novel." She laughed bitterly. "If only reality was like that. Simple and easy. The good guys win in the end, no sacrifices, no pain. Just a happy future, for us as everyone. How delightful.

"The reality is that I killed a lot of people. People who put their trust in the wrong person and I had to kill them. It was either them or me so I don't lose sleep at night. But still. I wonder how many were just doing their jobs when they killed my family."

Rose didn't often think of her family. The memory was too painful. Her parents, sister-in-law, and nephew, all dead, just like that. Only Fergus was still alive but he hadn't remarried. Hadn't had another child. Rose couldn't blame him. She wouldn't want to start again either. They could have at least left Oren alive. He had just been a boy.

"But there's more. My closest friend saved my life. And all she needed to do was rape my husband. Seems like a fair trade, right?"

Rose pushed her bangs out of her face. They were getting too long again. She'd probably have to cut them. She looked terrible, between the scars and the hair cut by her dagger. Hardly the image of a queen.

"Alistair agreed to it, after I pressured him. It was either that or I was going to die. I couldn't count on Riordan and I knew if it was between Alistair and I, I would gladly die to save his life. He's just so good. He's kind and goofy and he's a good king, no matter what anyone says. He's grown into that role so much. I know he didn't initially want it but he's proven that he can do it. I'm so proud of him. And I couldn't let all that die.

"But, like a coward, I didn't want to die. I thought I was too young. That if I'd been meant to die, I would have died with my family. But I didn't. And I still haven't. I've fought talking darkspawn and archdemons and I'm not dead.

"So I convinced Alistair to sleep with Morrigan. To have a child with her. He hated her. He didn't want to do it. I convinced him to. I talked him into being raped. Morrigan and I-"

She trailed off, dragging one of her blades in the dirt. If the world got blurry, she ignored it.

"Alistair has a child he's never met. I've never met them either, even though I saw Morrigan again. She wouldn't let me see them.

"On that day, I lost two people. Morrigan fled after the archdemon died. And Alistair-" She trailed off again. The tears fell freely. "He forgave me. I didn't even need to beg for forgiveness and he gave it to me. Why did he do that? He had every right to be furious. He was fine with dying.  _ I  _ was the coward who wouldn't die. I would have done the ritual if I could. But then I would need to be forgiven for something else."

The tears were running down her face, snot accumulating in her nose. She sniffled. 

"I can't look at Alistair without thinking about what I've done to him. I ran away. I can't take all this guilt so I ran to the Grey Wardens. I haven't spoken to him in four years. My  _ husband _ doesn't know where I am. I should have died." 

She sobbed. "I should have died. I wouldn't be causing all this pain if I had just died."

There was no one to comfort her. The Hero of Fereldan sobbed in the Deep Roads alone, overcome by her regrets.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Please comment and kudos if you enjoyed it. Subscribe to the series for more stories about Rose.
> 
> If you'd like to see sneak previews of my upcoming works and get writing tips, please check out my writing blog: a-writing-trickster-angel.tumblr.com


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